yes another one lol

you are sitting there
staring at a spot on the wall
i'm looking at you
i see you lost in thought
your face contorted
inside you are screaming
MOMMY! MOMMY! help me please. HELP ME PLEASE! mom..
I'M TERRIFIED MOMMY! MOMMY!
i'm terrified
mommy..
i see you lost in thought
desperately pleading
fighting yourself
fighting
struggling
losing
slowly giving up
slowing down
giving in
you're done you can't go on anymore
you look over at me
i'm looking at you with a blank face
no emotions
nothing so as to not confuse you and yours
you just look back at me
eyes glazed over
not really here nor there
i want to shake you
but i let you alone
you are lost within your thoughts
thinking so lowly of yourself
screaming and cursing yourself
inside you are writhing in pain
i want to snap you out of it
to tell you that you are not all those horrible things
you are not
but i cannot do such a thing no matter how much i want to
because you already know the truth
but you refuse to see it
instead you put yourself down
you tell yourself everyday
repeating the words over and over
you're a little broken record
i want to tell you that it will be ok
that it won't hurt anymore
but you have to come to terms with yourself first
and i can see it in your face
you're afraid
you go back to staring
this time at a spot on the wall just past my face
i know that inside you are screaming
begging for help
for something to cling on to as you are sinking
MOMMY! MOMMY! help me please. HELP ME PLEASE! mom..
I'M TERRIFIED MOMMY! MOMMY!
i'm terrified mommy..
i see you lost in thought
desperately pleading
fighting yourself
and i just sit next to you
put my arm around you and hold you close
you relax a little but you do not lose your stare
you're still guarded
lost within
your pain is visible
honest and palpable
as i watch you staring at the wall

randomnesssss again

so i am texting you
we have been the whole day
tapping the keys furiously
to form a word
so many words to say
not enough characters to use
the message is not conveyed because i cannot say it to your face
you merely see the words and hit reply and type and send
reply and type and send
reply
and
type
and
send
and it continues through the day
we cannot call now
it is too early to call we will get caught
so i keep you in my pocket
my wonderful secret
though you are just a personified cellphone
that i tell i love you to
and that i can’t wait to see you again to
daily small talk daily chatter
the impersonality of it all
and on it goes
my little personified cellphone
you are amazing
there was a time when i was with you
it made you and i laugh
although i could speak the words i longed to say
because we were face to face
what had to be said i could not say outloud
i texted you
the phone was there on the hard counter
the message traveling through the air silently
it was received and your phone vibrated
shaking itself swiftly off the counter
onto the soft carpet below
silly phone
at least the carpet was soft to cushion the fall
i send another text
six.. m,n..o four.. g..h
two.. a..b two.. a
my fingers getting sore from all the typing
two.. a..b nine w,x..y
and now i am at home giggling to myself
thinking about us and about you
and how now all i have is this
my little personified cell phone
and you buzz and i check the message
i hit reply and type and send
reply
and
type
and
send
just another text
as i wait to get your response while the cycle carries on

yeah

when i went off to my room for the night you summoned me back
a quiet text asking me if i'd come in
i walk to your room holding my phone tightly
i come in
i see you laying in the fetalposition on your bed
i come over to you in a hurry
what's wrong i ask?
you tell me that nothing is that you're fine and you sniffle
a few tears lining your cheeks
you ask me to sit on the couch
not to look at you
so i sit down and ask why did you call me in?
are you hurt?
no you assure me
you say you are just thinking
and i hear the sniffles become more frequent
i look over and i see your tears are now flowing uninhibited
your breathing growing faster and faster
i tell you to relax
just tell me what's bothering you
and you say to me
all of this stress
people being rude to the ones i love
i'm being asked too much
be more girly be more studious
at least they have my sister
and i look at you and tell you you're being silly
by this point you're hyperventillating
i go to you and tell you to sit up catch your breath
and i watch you struggle to sit up and you clutch your knees to your chest
albeit your eyes are swollen and your lips red and quivering
tears staining your face
you are beautiful and i'm in awe of you
i'm not quite sure what to do but i fake it
i am overpowered by your raw pain
i just stand there calmly trying to make sure you don't pass out
please try to breathe i say gently
and you take deep breaths and lay back down
you tell me you are fine and to go back to the couch
i sit on the edge of your bed instead
and i hear your breath quicken as you try to conceal it all
i tell you i am here for you i am not going anywhere
and so i stay for three hours
your breathing slowing down then growing rapid every other minute
i am worried
you are shaking violently
struggling for control
shivering
whimpering
you can barely get words out at this point
i keep asking you what can i do what can i do?
you stutter to me each time n-n-nothing i-i-i'm f-f-f..f
and you cannot even complete your sentence
i tell you that you are not fine
that i am going to have to go against your wishes and get help shortly
so you get up off the bed
staggering
and tell me to hold on hold on that you have a thought
and i see you going through your drawers
you pull out a couple of your pills from when you had a cold
you say they'll knock you out
that this has happened before but not the point where you needed meds
i watch you dry swallow them
and you stumble back to the bed
you curl up and i stay on your bed watching you
making sure that you're ok
twenty minutes later you are sound asleep
and i go back to the couch
and i sit and look at you
i am not quite sure what to feel
so i come back to your bed and watch you
you're definately asleep
so i go back to the couch and sit
placing the phone i'm still clutching in my hand on the armrest
relaxing
feeling the comfort of the soft couch

hmpfffffffff

yeah well it's time for the annual schoolball
and your sat on a chair at home
looking out the window
i've been staying at your house for quite a bit now
you're my only real family anyway
i see you looking out the window and i'm wondering what you're thinking
you've been there for hours
as people move in and out of the room you remain
blissfully unaware
of your surroundings
of them
of me
i've decided to stay with you and by now it's nearly dusk
you take no notice of me
you haven't spoken at all and i haven't tried to fill the silence
finding my voice
after it's being unused for several hours
i shakily clear my throat and i ask rather hoarsely what are you looking at?
you tell me you've been watching the birds flit about
from tree to tree
i say i've never known you to be so fond of birds
you whisper to me that you are just in awe of them
you want to be a bird
i look at you and i am wondering why is that? but i do not ask
you continue on after a moment's pause
you say they do not have to meet standards
they are not expected to wear dresses and heels
do their hair all nice
wear makeup
and they don't have to worry if they have fuzzylegs
despite my intentions i cannot help but chuckle
you say to me it's all true
your voice now above a whisper yet still meek you say
they don't have to go to schoolballs
they don't have to meet expectations
they can just be
and this whole time you haven't turned to look at me
but kept your focus on the birds
so i move my chair next to yours and i follow your gaze
and i whisper if to no one but the still room
birds are beautiful creatures
and so i'm sat there on a chair next to you looking out the window
joining in your blissful unawareness
watching the birds flit about

emmm

well i've come over again
i'm sitting on your bed holding my knees to my body
you're getting dressed but i have my head turned away from you
you call to me so i look over
you're in baggy jeans but you are topless with your back to me
you tell me to look at you
why am i so ugly? you ask me
i tell you that you are mistaken
look in the mirror
so you look and you start to cry
and i ask you what is wrong? you are beautiful
and you cross your arms over your chest and turn to me
and you say these do not fit
i look at you quizzically
you go to your closet and disappear into the darkness
i hear faint rummaging sounds
what are you looking for i ask? with no response
you come out with a bandage and a clasp
you go to the mirror and start wrapping your chest down
i wonder how you can see what you're doing
with your tears freely flowing
your hands are shaking
you are panting trying to catch your breath
i cannot help but turn away
i look at my hands which are folded around my knees
you tell me look at me LOOK AT ME! are you ashamed of me? you ask
i tell you no of course not and so i turn and look
you are fumbling with the clasp
i get up off the bed and take the clasp from you
no words are exchanged
i get it fastened and you turn to me
looking into your eyes i see sadness but relief
you tell me that you are finally free
which is funny to me since you are bound
bound by your inhibitions
your confusion
the bandage
you slip on a tank
and then a tee and i look at you
you're flat straight down your torso
you're looking in the mirror crying but you are content you say
you say that this is how it is supposed to be
and tomorrow you are cutting your hair short
i tell you that you will always be the same person to me
i look at you and i see your tee and baggy jeans
i go to sit back down on the bed but do not lose focus on you
you come to sit next to me
you bring your knees to your body and hold them tight
your hands clasped around your legs
you are glad i've come over

Tid i am in painness for u....

took it down.... twas stupid blog ne way lol.

haha i am suprised i wasn't blockedddddd....

*sits down* *FWOMMMMMMMMMMMMeeeeeWWWWeeeeeeuh*

talking about whoop (when said in convo) and how it's similar to woopie cushions and that's the noise a woopie cushion makes. gets squeeky at the end too.

i am having a moment. a long lasting moment. (that was meeee all of um todayyyy and most dayss haha.).

i don't mind my taste (to Ms. O and wtf?!)

oh Katie.... they're in the kitchen?? what is she posing seductively with the cutlery??

talking about Brian's model in the living room.

i make my self laugh and nothing's funny!! (happens frequently. too frequently.).

Linds how's ur cockporn chicken??
oh my gosh
POPCORN

umm.... there really is no explanation for that one lol.

okay yeah.... have a good one all.